The RK Feline Fiasco
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: The first episode of my new cartoon show called Thank You, Heavenly. It is unlike anything that's on TV right now, it's BETTER! Family Guy, South Park, Arthur, and my passion for TV all rolled into one super-genius show!
1. Everything You Need To Know

Thank You, Heavenly

Hello, I'm frostyfreezyfreeze54. Some of you may recognize me as the guy behind the WWE-based fanfiction stories, but for the time being, I'm embarking on a new journey. I'm starting my own TV show. On this website, anyway. I've wanted one for a very long time, but until I was older, I could never pursue it. Besides, my main goal is to be a writer/journalist. Anyway, the reason why I wanted it is because, let's face it, television sucks. I turn on the TV and there's nothing on every day. The only shows I watch on a regular basis is _Family Guy_, _South Park,_ _Arthur, _and _Martha Speaks._ I also watch _Victorious,_ but _iCarly_ has pissed me off to the point where I can't even stand it anymore. I mean, just a few weeks ago, they wasted an entire opening segment about pepperoni. That encouraged me to eat a pizza more than it did to laugh at it. _The '90s Are All That_ has given me a chance to respect my favorite decade even more. I love _Hey Arnold! _and _Doug._ But even then, that has made me wonder for months: What happened to TV? I can stand Nick just fine, but Disney Channel makes me cringe. If I started watching the channel again, I'd vote for _Phineas and Ferb_ and _A.N.T. Farm._ I stopped watching both shows for different reasons (Phineas and Ferb because I believe the episodes after the movie were mediocre, and A.N.T. Farm because the spark from last year was gone). I remember three awesome shows that anchored the network together for at least a year: _That's So Raven,_ _The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, _and _Hannah Montana._ The first one ended in 2007 after reaching 100 episodes, the second one was spun-off in 2008 and ended last year, and the third one also wrapped up last year. I stopped watching _Wizards of Waverly_ Place regularly in 2008, but monitored the series closely enough to enjoy the finale episode this year. Even Cartoon Network sucks, at least now. And _SpongeBob SquarePants, _the show I had grown up watching for years, has run out of steam (probably because Stephen Hillenburg, the show's creator, left the head writer position in 2004 to Derek Drymon). But, as long as _SpongeBob _is still producing, it will still be ultra-popular, so who gives a (bleep)?. What made television a piece of shit? I realize the dumb things characters do on shows and I nitpick them each and every time. I'm only 14. I shouldn't have this problem, but I really do. The 1970-2000 era of TV was incredible and awe-inspiring. It created the best work a television writer has ever dished out. I could name 30 shows from there if I could, even more. That's why I am so passionate about TV. I never realized how good I had it until the cracks began to form around me. I've decided to combine elements of my three favorite shows (the pop-culture references of _Family Guy,_ the satire/social commentary of _South Park,_ and the educational value of _Arthur)_ to create a show the world has not yet seen and may never see again. It is called _Thank You, Heavenly._ The show gets its name from the lyric of a song called "Another Me" by Jeff Hardy's band, Peroxwhy?gen. Take a look at what we got.

THE PREMISE

It's pretty simple. The show is based in Seattle, Washington. It centers around a group of four boys (much like _South Park,_ but less raunchy) named Testicular Sound Express. The boys are Sparky MacDougal, Buster Newman, Ryan Kennedy "RK" Jennings, and Wade Saltalamacchia. They go through crazy adventures and often have surreal things happen to them. In this world, parents are forced to give up custody of their kids at age 6, since this teaches them responsibility. The government will pay the bills and provide money (making it easier to buy expensive things like the iPad) and all the bells and whistles until you turn 18. At that point, you have to get a job. In real-life, this is impossible, but it's just fine in this show. Also, I will have NO female kids in the show. I'm not sexist or anything, I just can't find anything interesting to do with them. I hate the WWE Divas' division now, so it probably carried over. In _South Park,_ Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny dominate the scene, so whenever they turn to Wendy, Bebe, and the girls, I just can't be bothered.

FAMILY GUY

Despite what a lot of people think, _Family Guy _is still a pretty good piece of work. It's a show that should definitely be remembered when it retires, and a main inspiration for my show. I'll use the pop-culture reference formula to produce cutaways and gags based on current events and historical accounts. It'll take a lot of research, but I think I can replicate what Seth MacFarlane has done.

SOUTH PARK

I just recently realized how genius Trey Parker and Matt Stone are. I started watching _South Park _last year, and thanks to Comedy Central and WGN, saw several episodes last summer. There are plenty of elements I'll take from SP. For one, each episode will be produced within six days, much like how Parker and Stone do it. It'll definitely help with current events. I'll also satirize several topics, like the 2012 presidential election or why Jerry Sandusky is such a perverted dick. There will definitely be social commentary, such as the sudden interest in _Temple Run_ or the general opinion on beer.

ARTHUR

I watched this show when I was younger, but hardly remembered any of it. I started watching it again in fifth grade, and now it's one of my favorite shows. Probably the best show I've ever seen. While this element will be the least frequent, there will be underlying educational themes. You may learn something based off of what a character says or what they do. Sometimes what you learn may be way past your time, like Cyrano de Bergerac or the fascist leaders of WWII. Well, this is different from what's out on TV now, right?

LASTING APPEAL

Despite the fact that I'm the creator, I really do have a good feeling (like Flo Rida) about _Thank You, Heavenly._ I have a strong passion for TV and firmly believe that as long as I do this, I'll have nothing to fight anymore. No more inhibitions or vices about television. During the 70's, 80's, and 90's, the TV had a much different landscape. You never knew what to watch because you were overwhelmed by its awesomeness. Even the early 2000's produced some gems, like _My Wife and Kids_ or _That's 70's Show_ (it reached the peak of its popularity during this time, despite premiering in 1998). Most shows were not only different from each other, but different from any other generation that came before or after it. Sometimes the differences were only slight, sometimes they were radical. The point is, each show had the potential to hit a home run, and almost always did. I read somewhere that when Nickelodeon was in the process of creating their three original Nicktoons (_Doug, Rugrats, and The Ren and Stimpy Show) _they wanted cartoons that were not only different from what was out at the time, but different from each other. Now, it seems like it's the same boring, formulaic crap over and over again. NOT ANYMORE! There is also one thing that I'm really looking forward to: In each episode, there will be an "Homage To Classic TV." Shows and Saturday morning shorts from 1970-2000 (sometimes special exceptions will be made) will be parodied by the main characters of _Thank You, Heavenly._ The episode will stop in the middle and show a character (usually Sparky, but not limited to him) wearing a sultan's robe and sitting in a chair near a fireplace. They then introduce the homage and the show being parodied. The original theme song and opening sequence from that show will play (usually shortened) and then the parody. It lasts a minimum of one minute and a maximum of six minutes. OK, I know you're tired of hearing me talk, so let's meet the cast!

THE CHARACTERS

Sparky MacDougal-The leader of Testicular Sound Express. Sparky attends iCarly Elementary School as a fourth-grader with his friends Buster, RK, and Wade. Much like his SP counterpart Stan Marsh, Sparky is the level-headed one and the voice of reason. Much like the other three boys, Sparky is prone to making odd, random, or confusing references. Sparky is best friends with Buster, though there are times where Buster is doing something stupid, and RK is the one to listen to Sparky's problems and provide sound advice to them. Each main character has at least one of my traits, and Sparky's trait is that he wants to be a famous writer/journalist. Sparky's birthday is April 16, like mine. A running gag in the show is Sparky's inability to swim, despite trying to learn several times. This will often prompt one of the characters (usually RK) to say something like, "If Michael Phelps saw this, he'd spit on you."

Buster Newman-Sparky's best friend since first grade. Buster is a person that means well, but often gets himself into various situations. Whenever Buster tries to fix it, he often makes it worse or it blows up in his face entirely. This will very frequently cause Sparky to be agitated and yell out, "BUSTER!," much in the style of Michael Yarmush. Buster is excitable, curious, and very impulsive, but knows his limits as far as intelligence or common sense goes and will often call someone out for doing something dumb, dangerous, or being rude. Because of this, Buster can sometimes be as smart as Wade. Buster is also an atheist, as seen in "The Theory of God-olution," and states that he is just fine without religion or God in "Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013." Buster has a major crush on classmate Kaily Chavez, despite the fact that she has told him she doesn't like him romantically but values him as a friend. Buster is aware of RK's crush on him and will often respond to his advances in an easy way, a sarcastic way, or a mean-spirited way. Despite RK's attraction causing complications, the two are actually great friends and are sometimes paired up as a reference to Sparky's passive attitude or Wade's methodical, impatient nature, especially when dealing with them. Also, RK and Buster often understand each others' problems better than anyone else (at times even more than Sparky). Buster is of course named after Buster Baxter from _Arthur._ Buster is inspired from four characters: The character he was named after, Dil Pickles from _All Grown Up!_ (because of their shared weirdness) Patrick Star from SpongeBob, and Peter Griffin from _Family Guy_ (because much like Patrick and Peter, Buster sometimes acts like a dumbass). Buster is addicted to drinking, much like I am (addicted to juice and soda, not alcohol) and is an expert drinker, often selecting exotic beverages that leave the boys scratching their heads. Buster's catchphrase is "YES! YES! YESSS!," taken from WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan. A running gag in the show is Buster being encouraged by Sparky (almost always inadvertently) to do something outrageous or responsive to a situation he's in, which causes Sparky to say, "I should've went to community college (despite the fact he's only 9)."

Ryan Kennedy "RK" Jennings-The brash loudmouth of the group, much like Cartman, except watered down considerably. RK is a freeloader and a slacker, usually attempting to take the easy way out. This constantly fails. RK also has a hatred for school, often comparing summer vacation to WrestleMania (an absolute heaven) and the first day of school to the Holocaust (an absolute Hell). Despite his apparent insensitivity, RK constantly learns from his mistakes (unlike Cartman), recognizes his flaws and can be an invaluable source of help to Testicular Sound Express whenever they need it. For example, when Sparky has trouble with Buster, RK usually tells him to take it one step at a time, since Buster is not all that stupid under the hood. RK is also romantically attracted to Buster, often making the group uncomfortable. RK is blunt, outspoken, anti-establishment, quite possibly sociopathic, and sarcastic (CM Punk is often cited as his hero) which can draw praise and criticism from the other boys, depending on the situation. RK has an extremely difficult time getting along with others due to the fact that no one else understands him like Testicular Sound Express and he himself can be hard to deal with. It is heavily implied that only Sparky, Buster, and Wade see him for who he really is and value him well for it. RK often gets annoyed when Buster tries to advance his friendship with Kaily into a relationship, and has interfered (successfully) several times. Despite the fact that the boys and Kaily herself have told RK that she isn't interested in Buster, RK's jealousy often stands in the way of reason. In a future episode, when Kaily accuses RK of having a crush on her, RK takes a deep breath and (reluctantly) kisses her, because he believes she has it the other way around. The two call each other good kissers and never acknowledge it again, hinting a likely mutual attraction. RK is an extreme anti-racist. Even a small insignificant racist joke (usually from Buster) will irritate RK enough to tell the person who said the joke to "shut the (bleep) up about that." However, based off of his father's hatred for Adolf Hitler and the Holocaust, it's extremely likely RK holds repressed racist views towards Germans. Much like myself, RK hates the state TV is in and also has a knack for using cutaway gags. If the gag itself is insensitive, RK will usually break the fourth wall in front of a black screen and say, "We did have a clip, but we thought if we showed it to you, it would just make us all sad." RK is also the only person in the group to have a sibling, his 13-year-old brother KG, and a pet, the family cat Mr. Tuxedo Pants. RK is a huge Hot Chelle Rae fan, after finding out frontman Ryan Follese calls himself RK. In fact, RK is named after him.

Wade Saltalamacchia-The brains of Testicular Sound Express, Wade is very bright (like myself) and has a penchant for citing pop-culture references far beyond his time (like myself). Wade is also the only black kid in the group (which can produce thinly veiled racist jokes that only RK takes notice of and is disgusted by). Wade can sometimes feel a lot of pressure to be the best in school, which usually produces humorous results. Wade is also obssessed with being the smartest guy in the group. In one future episode, Sparky gets a higher grade than Wade on a science test, and Wade is annoyed by it extremely. Wade decides to use the "Undertaker technique" and cuts off all his hair. He also begins to speak in an adult Texan accent, much like Undertaker has started to do. Wade is actually younger than the other boys (a seven-year-old second grader who skipped a grade) but has been accepted by Testicular Sound Express due to being a "really cool dude," as RK put it. Wade's dream is to become a world-famous scientist (or Poet Laureate or astrophysicist), and idolizes Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Neil deGrasse Tyson, all of whom are black (Sparky will usually point this out, much to RK's chagrin). Wade is inspired from _Arthur_'s Alan "The Brain" Powers and _Martha Speaks_' Truman Oatley. Wade will often embrace his African-American genes and say slang like "We live" or "Yo, niggas be mobbin' up in here" which will cause the others to be creeped out. Wade and Buster's relationship is complicated, due to Buster being the complete opposite of him, but they manage to have fun together regardless. Wade has a much more difficult relationship with RK, because oftentimes RK's ignorance or confusing ways annoy him. Also, RK and Wade have the strongest opinions in TSE, which can lead to several arguments and fights. At the end of the day, they still manage to remain friends. Wade also has a crush on Sanna Qureshi, calling her the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, but Sanna is annoyed by it and doesn't reciprocate his feelings. As his name may suggest, Wade's last name comes from Boston Red Sox catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia.

RECURRING CHARACTERS

Kevin Garnett "KG" Jennings-RK's 13-year-old brother. KG is often pressured by school and taking care of RK by himself, but Testicular Sound Express is there to provide support whenever possible. In turn, KG is like a father figure to the boys. KG is a skilled guitarist and idolizes Slash, Jimi Hendrix, Pete Townshend, Eddie Van Halen, and Angus Young. KG and RK disagree on several things (including political preference, since RK votes Republican and KG votes Democrat, among other things) but share a loving bond most brothers don't have. The brothers actually have one similarity with each other: They both are enamored with the same females (indicating RK is bisexual), such as Alyson Stoner, Ana Kasparian, Priscilla "P-Star" Diaz, and Scarlett Johansson. KG, surprisingly, tells RK that out of every one of his friends, he likes Buster the most.

Mr. Yu-Chen Ping Wing Zing Hing-A stereotypical Chinese man, Mr. Ping Wing Zing Hing is the owner of the Burger King that the boys frequently go to. He hates all of them for different reasons: Sparky for being a nerd, Buster for being a danger to society, RK for almost never having any money to pay for his food, and Wade for being an absolute criminal (because he is black). This racist attitude infuriates RK to the point where he often has physical altercations with Mr. Ping Wing Zing Hing.

The Talking Dumpster-The dumpster that lives behind Buster's apartment building and often gives him advice, most of it unrelated to the topic Buster is talking about. No one (even Wade) knows for sure why the dumpster talks (yet has no other human traits) but Buster believes it was due to a large amount of toxins put inside the dumpster accidentally while creating it. The Talking Dumpster has a voice similar to Hugh Laurie's American character from _House._

Bitch Clock-The anthropomorphic alarm clock that wakes Sparky up every morning. However, Bitch Clock, as his name suggests, treats Sparky poorly and is a common enemy of Testicular Sound Express. According to Sparky, when he was younger, he was very stupid. And he loved his clock so much he wished it could walk and talk like a human (a parody of the film _Ted_). And his wish came true. Sparky renamed the clock from "Parker Lewis" to "Bitch Clock" after realizing its true personality. Bitch Clock cannot die because he is under an irreversible magic spell, and has threatened Sparky with homicide several times if he tries to get rid of him.

Manuel "Manny" Santos-A common friend of the boys (fourth-grader) and the only Latino character on the show, having moved from Puerto Rico to America at age three with his widowed mother. Manny is a prideful Puerto Rican and will often name several important people and events in the country's history, much to the boys' consternation. Manny's pride has turned him into a xenophobe, having an intense hatred for Dominicans (their chief rival). Manny, of course, is named after Manuella "Manny" Santos from _Degrassi_. Manny is a huge fan of the film _Scarface_ and is heavily inspired from the main character Tony Montana.

William "Will" Barfield-A tall black fourth-grader and another common friend of the boys. He is best friends with Wade (who he sometimes refers to as a "little brother") and is also close with Sparky. Despite being big and well-built, Will doesn't get upset much (similar to Cleveland Brown and Derick Canto, a Puerto Rican eighth grader who goes to my school). Will also has a pet goldfish named T.D. (named after T.D. from _Martha Speaks_). T.D. is an orphan initialism, but Will named him T.D. because he just likes the name.

Travis Bryan-A student in the boys' class. He hates RK intensely and has made no attempts to hide it, saying it to him repeatedly. Whenever this happens, RK either dodges it and moves on (hinting at insecurity) or expresses his own hatred for Travis quickly and moves on. While RK hates Travis for being full of himself and painting himself as someone he's not, Travis hates RK because he believes that his opinion matters the most and he is extremely disrespectful to everyone (however, RK is rarely a horrible person around Sparky, Buster, and Wade, likely due to the fact that their friendship is extremely important and valuable to him). Travis gets along just fine with everyone but RK (often giving Wade sports advice) and is actually almost best friends with Will due to their shared interest in sports and similar athletic skills. Travis actually does not like Manny or his xenophobia, and enjoys messing with him. Travis is a major fan of several sports (for example, he is a big New England Patriots fan) and his lifelong dream is to become the top overall pick in the NFL Draft. Travis is also the only student in the fourth grade that's unaware of RK's bisexuality (no one told him because they know how RK would feel). To remedy the situation, RK uses a girl (usually Sanna, Kaily once) as his beard.

Kaily "Demetria Lopez" Chavez-Another student in the boys' class, and the love interest of Buster. Buster finds Kaily extremely attractive and caring, and has tried several times to make her his girlfriend. While Kaily finds Buster sweet and kind of funny, she doesn't think of him as her type and values him as a friend, not a lover. While Kaily often shows the sweeter, warmer side of herself to Buster and Sanna, she is actually big-mouthed, brassy, and audacious for the most part. Kaily knows RK likes Buster, but suggests that he probably likes her as well. Believing she has it turned around, RK (reluctantly) kisses Kaily so she can get rid of any feelings she might have for him. After both call each other good kissers and share a smile (hinting at a mutual attraction) they never mention it again. Kaily has a crush on Manny, but he finds her extremely annoying and turns her down viciously. Kaily is the starting midfielder for the school's soccer team, and her idol is Demi Lovato. Kaily was bullied when she was younger, but Lovato's own experiences with bullying and her amazing singing skills turned Kaily into a superfan. As a tribute to Lovato, Kaily has adopted her full first name Demetria to create the alias "Demetria Lopez."

Sanna Qureshi-A student in the boys' class. Sanna is short-tempered, impatient, and lazy for the most part. However, to most people, she is quiet, sweet, and harmless. RK often mistreats Sanna and makes her his wingman in several situations (he may possibly see who Sanna really is and hate her for it). Despite Sanna's real nature, she oftentimes doesn't fight back (save for a passing insult from time to time) and pities RK by helping him whenever he needs it. It is unknown why RK has come to Sanna repeatedly for assistance and guidance, which might mean he respects her opinion to some extent. Sanna is a major One Direction fan and idolizes Zayn Malik. Wade had/still may have a crush on Sanna, however she often is not interested in him and unlike Kaily, doesn't pursue a friendship with her crusher.

Halley Rose Vidal-A student from the boys' class. Halley's family moved from Brooklyn to Seattle when she was five, and she slowly started making new friends. Several things indicate Halley is still a New Yorker at heart, like her Italian accent. Halley also has Dutch, Irish, German, French, Dominican, and Polish ancestry. She is very mysterious, and doesn't talk to any boy in the class. Sparky is the only one that has gotten through her dark exterior and they've developed a close bond. Sparky has feelings for Halley, and it is likely she feels the same way. However, neither have acknowledged or acted on it yet. Halley also has a gothic mentality to some extent (her nail polish is black, and she often wears black clothing with skulls or black hearts) and her favorite band is Downstait.

All of the boys (especially Sparky and RK) are avid fans of the WWE and are well-versed in wrestling history.


	2. The Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Another Me" by Peroxwhy?gen

SEASON 1

EPISODE 1

Airdate: June 24, 2012

Title: The RK Feline Fiasco

Homage To Classic TV: The Electric Company (1971-1977)

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Seattle, Washington

Interior Lunchroom

BUSTER: Anyone see _Wings _last night?

WADE: Dude, that show doesn't come on anymore.

BUSTER: Yeah, it does.

SPARKY: On what channel?

BUSTER: Bounce, that new network.

WADE: Last time I checked, there was no _Wings_. Just _Fat Albert_ and _Soul Train._

BUSTER: There's _Wings_!

WADE: There is no _Wings_! Just accept the fact that Tim Daly and Steven Weber will no longer pleasure you!

BUSTER: Just accept the fact that you're black!

(waking up from nap) RK: Buster, you know I think you're very sexy, but shut the (bleep) up about that!

(RK's hair is messy, he's wearing a T-shirt with a mysterious stain and has red eyes)

SPARKY: RK, dude, you're bushed! You should head home and sleep.

RK: Sparky, wouldn't you think I'd stay home and do that? Now leave me alone, retard!

(Sparky is offended beyond belief)

RK: Sorry, Sparks, I'm just SO tired. I can't head home and sleep because of what's been happening AT home.

SPARKY: It's OK, RK. See what I did there?

RK: Yeah, repetition. Clever.

(Wade checks TV schedule on iPhone)

BUSTER: What's been happening at home?

RK: It's Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

SPARKY: That cat from _Degrassi_?

BUSTER: NO!

RK: You know, the cat that KG got for us two weeks ago? I showed you guys him at my place that weekend.

SPARKY: I don't remember.

RK: How do you not remember? Oh yeah, you really WEREN'T there.

SPARKY: Yeah, I was with my parents at Washington State University for a pre-summer vacation.

RK: That's weird. I remember seeing you at the party.

BUSTER: Oh, that's because I created a stand-in.

(The gang is playing "Pin The Tail On The Cat." Sparky is up next, and he's acting differently. He is taking his time for some weird reason, because he wants the tail right on the cat. RK tells him it doesn't matter, but Sparky is still keen on getting this right. Sparky then channels his thoughts, and arbitrarily says "GO GO GADGET SKIS!" He jumps onto the cat cutout and both of them fall over. Wade then says, "Go go gadget (bleep) this," and leaves.)

RK: Well, you were a little off that day. That doesn't surprise me though, seeing the guy who made it.

(Buster is pissed)

SPARKY: So what has Mr. Tuxedo Pants been doing lately?

BUSTER: How long does it take you to check a TV schedule?

WADE: Sorry, I was on Twitter. OH, YES! Fine, I'll check.

RK: Well, it started this past Monday.

(Mr. Tuxedo Pants is meowing very loudly at 3:00 in the morning. RK keeps saying, "Shut up, Tuxy," but it doesn't work. Finally, RK gets out of bed and says, "Shut the (bleep) up, you dick!" KG says, "RK, stop yelling at the cat." "KG, it won't shut the Hell up!" "I know, but it's a learning process. I mean, we just got him nine days ago." "I guess." "Now, go to sleep." RK goes to bed more at peace, but Tuxy starts up again, causing RK to scream in his pillow.)

RK: This has been happening the past four days. And every day, I have to go home early at this time to play with Mr. Tuxedo Pants and give him whatever he needs. KG uses excuses.

BUSTER: Dude, that's HARD.

RK: I know, baby. I'd rather be in school than taking care of Tuxy.

(All three boys are shocked)

RK: Yeah, it's that bad.

(RK's phone is ringing, and it's KG. RK's ringtone is "Cult of Personality" by Living Colour, CM Punk's theme song.)

(tired and yawning, smacks lips) RK: Hi, KG. I'll be right there. What excuse are you gonna use this time?

BUSTER: STOP TWEETING!

WADE: OK.

RK: You can't use malaria, KG. If that was the case, I wouldn't be here right now.

(Sparky is staring intently)

RK: Came out of the house with a bad sneeze? OK, I'm on my way. See you guys tomorrow, maybe.

SPARKY: Poor RK. If only we could help him.

WADE: HA! I was right! There is no _Wings _on Bounce.

BUSTER: Damn!

SPARKY: Wow, Buster, you look more stupid than Gregg Poppovich when he tells the Spurs to get nasty.

(A cutaway gag is shown, featuring manipulated footage of Game 1 of this year's Western Conference Finals between the Spurs and the Thunder. The footage was edited so it looks like Poppovich is more angry than he actually is. He tells the Spurs to stop acting like pieces of (bleep) and play nastier than they've ever played before. Several days later (in cartoon form), the Spurs are cleaning out their lockers. Manu Ginobli is packing all his G.I. Joe toys in his duffel bag, but he can't find Deep Six. Ginobli asks Tim Duncan if he took it, and he says no. Ginobli accuses Tony Parker, since Parker took his Slurpee last week. The two then start arguing over how Ginobli is too immature and include Duncan in it. Eventually, they accuse each other of throwing the series. Stephen Jackson ends it by saying, "Guys, guys, all three of you are just...awful."

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior Living Room

(Every Friday night for the past year, the boys have been having a movie night, where they watch a film on DVD, crack jokes, and get "drunk" off beverages like Pepsi Wild Cherry and AriZona. Tonight, Testicular Sound Express is watching _Harry Potter __and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2._ However, RK is absent.)

BUSTER: I just can't believe it.

SPARKY: I know, right. RK is always the first one here, and tonight he flakes?

BUSTER: No, not that. Wade just told me the Miami Heat won the NBA Finals last night. HA! What a joke!

SPARKY: They did win.

BUSTER: What?

SPARKY: They...won.

BUSTER: Oh, sweet Jesus.

WADE: Yeah, and LeBron James won the MVP award.

BUSTER: I'm gonna puke in my mouth.

SPARKY: The votes were unanimous.

(Buster throws up on the floor)

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!

BUSTER: Sorry. It's not my fault you told me the most disgusting thing in the world.

SPARKY: Wade, be a dear and get the Sparkle paper towel. Buster, this is serious. I'm worried about RK.

BUSTER: Why? He's always being a dick to us.

(cleaning up puke) WADE: Buster speaks the truth, Sparks. Last week, I gave him $5 to pay for the taxi to school, and he never paid me back.

SPARKY: While that may be true, you guys are exaggerating this. Buster, isn't he in major coocho love with you?

BUSTER: Yes, and that's a big reason why I see him as a dick. He's always flirting with me. I DON'T LIKE BOYS! I'm NOT Jerry Sandusky.

(A cutaway gag shows Sandusky being found guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sexual molestation and pedophilia. Sandusky's punishment is either 60 years in jail without parole or death by the chair. Sandusky pleads with the judge to reconsider, saying he'll make it worth his while. "Damn!," Sandusky said, unable to control his homosexual tendencies. "You're a twisted monster! I sentence you to execution from the electric seating compartment. You'd probably like the rape in jail anyway." The judge banged his gavel. "Call me," Sandusky mouthed to the disgusted judge.)

SPARKY: Buster, that was child molestation. This is just a boy in love with another boy.

BUSTER: And to me, I feel like I've been molested, mentally and physically.

SPARKY: Look, RK isn't perfect, but he admits to that. And even then, he is still our friend and he's hurting. I bet WE can find out why Mr. Tuxedo Pants is being such an S.O.B.

WADE: You mean like staying over at his house for the weekend and helping his cat?

SPARKY: Exactly. Wade can search up all the things we need to know about the feline anatomy on his iPhone, Buster can help console RK and make sure he's all right, and I can soothe Mr. Tuxedo Pants' stomach with home remedies fit for a cat.

WADE: Let's do it!

BUSTER: Fine. I mean I'm not attracted to RK, but seeing him dead is just plain wrong.

SPARKY: OK, you guys go home and pack your bags. We're spending a weekend at RK's.

(lightning strikes and thunder claps)

BUSTER: Could we still watch the movie?

SPARKY: Sure.

WADE: What was with that storm thing?

SPARKY: It's atmospheric, Wade. Jeez, and I thought YOU were the smart one.

BOOMING VOICE: It's now time for...our Homage To Classic TV!

(Sparky sits on a chair near a fireplace, wearing a sultan's robe and drinking orangeade in a teacup)

(clearly articulating the words) SPARKY: Hello, Earth. We know one thing that you may or may not know as well: Television is (bleep) awful. What happened to the glory days of the small screen? What happened to shows that put the "excite" in excitement, the "interest" in interesting, and the "electrify" in electrifying? Well, they all left. While we can't bring back your favorite childhood classics, we can sure as Hell pay tribute to them. Which is why we have the Homage To Classic TV. Each week, we zero in on a show of the past (or a show that is still running but still significant) and parody it. This week, we parody a show that gave viewers a chance to expand their educational views when they graduated from...that other show. They did a revival three years ago, and it's a bunch of bull. Here's the REAL _Electric Company._ (imitating Rita Moreno) HEY, YOU GUYS!

(shortened version of The Electric Company's original theme song and opening sequence plays)

GUY #1: D...

GUY #2: Ot...

BOTH GUYS: Dot.

GUY #1: S...

GUY #2: Ex...

BOTH GUYS: Sex.

GUY #1: Con...

GUY #2: Dom...

BOTH GUYS: Condom.

GUY #1: Fe...

GUY #2: Line...

BOTH GUYS: Feline.

THE LAST WORD

(A parodied voice of Ken Roberts says, "And now, the last word." The word "feline" appears on the screen. The word is then read aloud, and a knife covered in blood is used to slice the pull chain in half, effectively turning off the lightbulb)

BOOMING VOICE: And that was our Homage To Classic TV. Tune in next week to see more of your childhood favorites bowed down to!

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

Exterior Frontyard

SPARKY: This should be easy. In fact, we could be done before the weekend is over. Everyone know their assignments?

BUSTER AND WADE: Right.

SPARKY: Awesome. Now let's rock and roll!

(Sparky rings doorbell, which is "Flight of the Bumblebee")

RK: Hey, guys. What are you doin' at my neck of the woods?

SPARKY: We came to help you with Mr. Tuxedo Pants for the weekend.

RK: Really? You guys are the best! I'm especially glad you came, Buster.

("Glad You Came" by The Wanted plays in background)

(monotone) BUSTER: Yeah, I was so pumped to be here.

RK: Come inside, Testicular Sound Express.

SPARKY: You look much better.

RK: Thanks. I took a nice bath and slept for four hours while KG took care of Tuxy.

BUSTER: Wasn't he tired as (bleep)?

RK: You bet he was, sweet thang. It's my turn now to take care of him.

("It's My Turn Now" by Keke Palmer plays in background)

RK: Dammit, I hate this (bleep) show!

CAMERAMAN: We're filming.

RK: Oh, sorry. Come on, guys, I need to intoduce Sparks here to Mr. Tuxedo Pants.

(Mr, Tuxedo Pants is shown, looking overweight and haggard)

SPARKY: Ah, God, that's one fat cat!

(Buster and Wade snicker)

RK: Oh, well that's nice, Sparky, make Tuxy feel better about himself by you making fun of his appearance. Seriously, you're more insensitive than Howard Stern.

(The cutaway gag shows Stern trashing singer Selena's heritage and music just days after her death, claiming "Alvin and the Chipmunks have more soul." A week later, it is reported that Stern has been shot to death numerous times outside his house.)

WADE: But he's still alive.

RK: Well, he was thought to be dead at first, but then he made a recovery.

SPARKY: Hmmmmm. (singsong tune) The more you know...

RK: Leave it to NBC, sport.

BUSTER: So what has he been doing other than yelling?

RK: Vomiting profusely, asking for weird foods, and pretending he's Joe Pesci.

(Italian accent) MR. TUXEDO PANTS: Yugoslavia.

(Mr. Tuxedo Pants goes back to sleep)

WADE: Hmmmmm...

RK: Plus, he's been moaning a lot, and having mood swings. He's sweet and playful one minute, then violent and psychotic the next.

WADE: Something about this is very FAMILIAR.

SPARKY: What'd you get, Wade?

WADE: RK, has it ever occurred to you this past week that Mr. Tuxedo Pants is actually...a MRS. Tuxedo Pants?

RK: What-what is-what-what are you driving at?

WADE: Pregnant.

RK: What?

WADE: Mr. Tuxedo Pants is a pregnant female cat.

RK: You don't know what you're talking about! Nothing he's done proves he's a girl!

SPARKY: I don't know, he is the brains of the operation.

RK: You do have a point.

BUSTER: Wait, so some cat knocks her up unprotected and then leaves? Oh, when I find that asshole...

(imitating Michael Yarmush) SPARKY: BUSTER!

RK: I love it when you get all feisty, just to save my family.

(Buster rolls his eyes)

WADE: It has to be. Weird cravings, mood swings, vomiting, they're all causes of a new baby.

SPARKY: Or in this case, a new kitten.

WADE: Exactly, Sparko!

RK: Let's say I take your word for it, we have to induce labor.

WADE: RK, you know that we can't just have labor come at our request...

(RK chokes Wade with bulging eyes)

RK: Listen, Saltalamacchia. This cat has been giving me Hell for the past week! I want that (bleep) jackass to come out!

WADE: Fine, fine, we'll induce labor. Sparky, you have the remedies?

SPARKY: In the duffel bag.

WADE: Let's get busy!

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior RK's Room

WADE: OK, so I got an article on my iPhone (chuckles, much to the boys' annoyance) that tells of eight ways to induce labor in felines. The kind of method may depend on the cat. RK, is Tuxy a queen?

RK: Wade, Mr. Tuxedo Pants is a cat, which makes it impossible for him to be a queen. Are you sure you're THAT smart?

WADE: Not that kind of queen, and it's MRS. Tuxedo Pants to you. A queen cat is a cat that has already given birth and is doing it multiple times.

RK: How am I supposed to know that? I didn't even know Tuxy was a girl until tonight.

WADE: That's fine. I have everything needed to induce cat labor. We'll find out if Tuxy's a queen based on her behavior.

BUSTER: I seem to have a newfound respect for animals.

RK: My man, a strong animal lover. Like Daniel Bryan.

(This cutaway shows Daniel Bryan repeatedly saying "YES!" as he runs down the aisle. He takes off his jacket and has two new tattoos: One for each arm. One has the word "YES" in Bryan's signature font and red ink, and another shows A.J. being put in the Yes! Lock by a happy Bryan. He's still marching around saying "YES!")

BUSTER: I love Daniel Bryan.

RK: See, we're bonding...

(imitating Jade West) BUSTER: NO!

WADE: OK, we need Tuxedo Pants to get active. Let's run around with her, encourage her to get active. That should help pop the kitten out.

SPARKY: Come on, Tuxy. Off of your duff.

(Tuxedo Pants gets up slowly)

RK: I know the perfect music for this.

("Live To Win" by Paul Stanley plays in background)

A montage is shown of the boys trying to induce labor in Tuxedo Pants.

Tuxy throws up while exercising, Wade sets up a nice small bed in a quiet area when the time for labor comes, Buster feeds Tuxy cat food with an entire red raspberry in it (it was supposed to be a red raspberry CAPSULE) causing her to choke and Sparky to save her, Wade gets a rectal thermometer and takes Tuxedo Pants' temperature (which is 98 degrees Fahrenheit, the perfect temperature for labor) while RK holds her. Buster trips on a cushion while holding a bowl of ice cream and crashes into Tuxy, causing her to scratch Wade repeatedly and throw ice cream at him, leaving him a mess. Buster smiles nervously and gives an angry Wade a pack of frozen vegetables, Sparky sees her nipples are emitting milk, which is a sign, and both Wade and Buster realize Tuxy is shivering and anxious, indicating she's DAMN ready to give birth.

RK: Wow, I'm gonna be one proud granddad.

KG: What's going on?

SPARKY: Tuxedo Pants is a pregnant girl cat.

KG: I know.

RK: YOU DO! YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL ON PURPOSE?

KG: No, I found out two minutes ago. I just called the vet and told him all the symptoms, which is normal. In fact, she should be a mother right about...now.

WADE: Nothing happened.

RK: THIS IS ALL FOR NOTHING!

BUSTER: I feel like kicking something. (kicks Tuxy in her genitalia by accident)

(imitating Michael Yarmush, Bruce Dinsmore, and Melissa Altro) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: BUSTER!

BUSTER: Sorry.

(Tuxy becomes pissed and chases after all four boys)

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Seattle, Washington

Interior TV Room

(minus KG, all four boys are half-awake, beaten senseless, and wearing ripped clothes)

SPARKY: This is hopeless.

RK: I may never sleep again.

WADE: Look at the bright side, that could make for an awesome experiment. We could chart your deterioration, and then when your brain starts to shut down...

SPARKY: Buster, how you holdin' up?

(after being beaten by Tuxy and the other boys, Buster now has blood stains and a black eye)

BUSTER: I feel right, Sparks. I feel right.

KG: Guys, come in here.

(The boys come into KG's room to see that Tuxy has given birth to three kittens)

RK: Wow, we weren't wrong?

WADE: We just had to give it time.

SPARKY: There's no way you can keep four cats.

RK: You're right. You guys wanna be dads?

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Hell yeah!

RK: What's wrong, Wade? You don't wanna adopt?

WADE: Nah, I'm not much of a cat guy.

RK: That's OK. I know one guy who can't resist.

(Mr. Ping Wing Zing Hing sees the third kitten in front of his Burger King.)

PING WING ZING HING: Ooh, so cute! (long pause) MINE! (Ping Wing Zing Hing runs away with kitten)

("Ocean Man" by Ween plays during the end credits)


	3. Sign Off

Thank You, Heavenly

Well, that was the pilot for my new TV show, _Thank You, Heavenly. _Looks like I'm living the dream I always wished for. Did you enjoy it? Did you spit on it? Do you think it could be the future of television? Do you think it doesn't have the balls to compete in this era? I need, need, NEED opinions! Leave a review and tell me what you think. You better hurry before next week's episode! In this one, the boys are eager to begin their summer vacation (hoping it'll be like last year's) but they may be in for a surprise. Plus, another Homage To Classic TV! Looks like I'll be seeing you again next week. I guarantee you will not be disappointed!

Additional notes:

-The soft-shoe silhouette and "Last Word" segment from _The Electric Company _were parodied.

-The Miami Heat won the NBA Finals just three days before the premiere of "The RK Feline Fiasco," making it a topical reference.

-All the facts stated about feline pregnancy and what the boys were doing to induce labor were true, as I looked up everything I needed to.


End file.
